As Butterflies Go

The calls of cats passed were too strong for my sweet Lady Butterfly to ignore. She joined them this morning floating where butterflies and Bluebirds fly over the Rainbow. I can only pray that Mewdy Blue’s dream message the other night is true: she is happy and healthy tonight. If only I could be so happy.

Change 2012

I don’t like change. I don’t suppose anyone does. With the changing of the years I tend to think of things gone by, and loved ones now gone.

Bluebird 1997-2011

“…gone away is the Bluebird……” from one of my favorite holiday songs, Winter Wonderland now only brings tears instead of a love for the snow covered landscape. I know Bluebird left me in 2011 but it seems like only yesterday sometimes. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I still remember her as that tiny little girl with the big round eyes, my Prima Donna.

Rainbow 1994-2012

In all of 2012 I only saw one Rainbow and she is now gone as well. She was a miracle from God. I prayed that she would appear and there she was. A perfectly built and designed feline form painted with the greatest artistic flare. Her green eyes shone as emerald charms to dress up her already fancy coat. She had a unique personality, my Gorgeous Clown.

Twygal 1994-2012

And Twygal, my little Chubs; feisty and loveable all in one little body. She was the twilight with a galaxy of stars in her coat. Her white socks and stripped nose brought a sparkle to her tortie fur. I always believed she was a gift from my beloved Gabrielle to help me cope with other losses. Now she’s gone my sweet little Tickle.

They’ve each taken with them a piece of my heart that will never be replaced. I can only dream that they are waiting with others I’ve lost at the Bridge where we all will be reunited one day.

Mewdy Blue

Now I watch as more of my babies decline. Mewdy Blue (15 1/2), who doesn't like to eat anymore can barely maintain his 7 lbs. while Lady Butterfly (17 1/2) hovers around 5 lbs. Mewdy Blue has become inactive and distant coming downstairs only at mealtimes and hasn't slept with me in over a week. Lady Butterfly thankfully is still quite active and attentive but I worry nonetheless. In all I have 5 cats on medications of some sort. At least 7 cats are over the age of 10 (Sparks and Tourmalina may be just 10 but I'm only guessing).

Lady Butterfly (Question & Fargo behind her)

 So what does 2013 hold for my family? I pray that I might have just one year with no losses to memorialize. No, I envision a happy 2013 with health and happiness for us all. What do you see for your new year? I'd love to hear from you.

Grief So Deep, So Searing

Bluebird (Hobby on top)

There’s a point in the mourning process where no amount of comfort or consoling will help. In fact, it may hurt no matter the intent. Perhaps this is the stage of disbelief, I don’t know. But I am at that point right now. Have been for quite some time.

I don’t want words of comfort, no hugs, no sympathy. I only want my loved ones back. I heard a song the other night that included a phrase, “How do I turn your memory / Back into you instead?” (Symphony in 16 Bars, Kenny White) It really cut to my heart. That’s exactly how I feel.

At this point in my life, though I feel yet young, a fledgling in this thing called life, I have experienced too many losses. They seem to be piling up and each one only gathers all those before into a larger yarn ball of grief.

Just last month I lost not only Rainbow and Twygal but also found out that Fred, another of my colony cats, had died back in October. Of course all the pain from those losses entwined so closely with those of earlier times. The ties that bind. Twygal brought forth memories of Gabbie, Gabrielle’s Galaxy, her namesake, lost in ’94 before Twygal was even born. Thoughts of Mouse, her supposed mother, bring a sad smile to my face. And Aztec, my precious princess, wanders into my thoughts, a very special girl also born in ’94 and lost too soon.

Twygal, Aztec, Rainbow

Rainbow heralds her sister Ozma and her half brother Little Boy, her mother Hobby and the sisters I didn’t keep, Harvest and Jacqueline. Fred, who was once Toe to me, reminds me of Tic and Tac who died only babies, too young to fight. Bluebird, the first of her litter to leave brings back the anguish of losing her mother to diabetes as well as worries for the future of her brothers.

Effie & kittens, Fuzzball, Question, Bluebird

All of these thoughts crowd my senses and stop me from time to time, freeze my thought processes and keep me from creating. Every day I’m brought right back to a time when they were still here. Feeding times mean that Rainbow is no longer on top of the freezer demanding her food, Bluebird’s spot on the shelf is now taken by Glitter and the cat tree is empty, no Twygal to call for my attention.

Rainbow

Twygal

Pill time means fewer pills to set out, no fluids for Rainbow to fight. Shopping for cat food is no longer the Great American Search for the new foods Rainbow or Bluebird might try. Now I can buy specific foods for the remaining cats and they will eat them. At bedtime Rainbow and Bluebird no longer fight for a spot under the blankets with me and Twygal’s purr no longer rests upon my side as I try to sleep.

My spirit has been injured, my heart broken into so many pieces I’ll never puzzle it back together again. And every pieces carries a soul indelibly fixed in my circle of muses. Someday Rainbow will be our guide back together again.

Twygal - Oct 1, 1994 to April 27, 2012

Fred (Toe) - Fall 1995 to Oct 2011

Rainbow - April 7, 1994 to April 15, 2012

Twygal's last day

Twygal on Wednesday: she didn't like her trip outside

Friday morning Dr. Tammy will be helping Twygal escape her suffering. But I’m afraid she has already left the fold in part.

It has been a difficult week because Twygal has continued to eat, drink, and even play despite the growing lump on her face. However, on Wednesday she stopped eating. On Thursday she became very grumpy, refusing even to be petted. She has always been a very sensitive cat and I’ve had to tread lightly with her emotions and moods but that’s just a part of her wonderful personality.

Thursday evening she started bleeding from her mouth and nose again and she’s having even more difficulty breathing. I’m just comforted that she will still sleep on top of me in bed. That is, as long as I don’t touch her.

I worried about her last moments because she always gets very stressed when I take her to the clinic. I don’t want her passing to be so traumatic for her, though it definitely will be for me. To make her transition a little less stressful I will be giving her a light sedative before leaving home.

Though they were never friends in life perhaps Twygal will join with Bluebird and Rainbow and romp happily in heaven.

Rainbow in the Sky

Rainbow

April 7, 1994 - April 15, 2012

Rainbow and Springtime

Isn’t amazing how things work out? Every spring, no matter what, the lilacs come out and every spring just as the blooms are fading along comes a rain or storm to wipe out the last vestiges of their aroma. Every spring a short window opens when we should be able to find morels, and every spring I struggle to fit into that window.

Every year people look for the robins to proclaim the arrival of spring and sometimes, like this year, they come early. I always thought their travels were related to the sun’s position but now I realize it is more the temperature that brings them north. However, we sometimes, many times, see robins in January. So perhaps we should wait until the redwing blackbirds show up in the highway ditches staking out their territory, and announcing their readiness for mates to welcome spring.

Turkey Vulture gathering - see on the fence posts?

As for me I wait until I see that first black feather friend soaring up above in search of prey to truly count the coming of spring. Turkey vultures are the true harbingers of springtime and all it means to a winter-weary world. Their funky red, wrinkled heads watch for the tiniest movement in the grasses, stoop to clearing the highways of road kill when necessary and dress the skies with their graceful ride upon the air.

Lando Calrissian

Like the elves from Middle Earth, my cats are drawn to the west it seems. Too many times I’ve seen its attraction pull them from my life. First it was Lando who wanted only to go, just go somewhere, anywhere, on his last day on earth. When I set him down outside for a bit of fresh air he headed west. What his eyes saw in that direction I’ll never know but west was the only thing he wanted at that moment.

Pixel, her brain wracked with cancer, alternated between twitching from seizures to circling directionless to heading west in the yard outside the vet school. She’d lost all control of her poor little body yet knew that she wanted to head west. Bluebird, thin and weak from the cancer in her body wandered the house but always ended up at the back door, the western door of the house. She’d never been outside in her life except in a carrier yet she knew she wanted to go west in her last days.

Rainbow as a baby

Now Rainbow, failing kidneys and drug influenced mind, heads west to that door as well. What is it she yearns to reach? What secret world awaits her in the end? Or is it a beginning? Will I see that day; will I see them again someday in the west? Is that how things work out?

I don’t like the phrase “the circle of life” because it includes death. Maybe we should talk instead of the cycle of life; a cycle in which we eventually head west, like the elves, to another world, a better world where we can spend eternity with those we love.

(As I write this Rainbow lies on my lap unable to walk or do much more than lift her head. Tomorrow I may have to help her head west if she doesn’t recover but for now we’re together praying for a miracle.)

Rainbow's Recovery

I remember that warm spring day when I sat poised above the space between hay bales, my hand in a claw-like pose waiting for the first feline head to poke its way out. Quick as a snake I grabbed and startled myself with a fistful of kitten fur. She screamed and screamed sending my wits into panic mode until I saw Hobby, her overly-attentive mother, rushing at me her eyes wide and tail puffed up. Without another thought I dropped that kitten back onto the hay bales and she disappeared into her cavern while I backed away from the nest hoping Hobby wouldn’t attack.

I’d already named her Rainbow because of her brightly colored fur but it seemed I was not meant to catch her just yet. As it turned out I never got another chance to catch Rainbow that summer, in fact, I took in two of her sisters, her mother, several other kittens and a few adults but no Rainbow. That fall I planned to stop trapping a week before I was scheduled to leave on my Hawaiian vacation so I didn’t have to worry about leaving any new cats or kittens for my house-sitter to worry about.

That last day, I approached the barn praying to God, let her be in the trap this time, please let it be her. I quietly crept along the side of the barn and took a deep breath before peeking around the door at the trap I’d left inside. I had to blink a time or two but sure enough it was Rainbow. Nearly six months after I’d first had her in my hands, I finally saw her in my trap.

Now, nearly 18 years later, I have that wonderful, enigmatic girl on my lap as I type. Most evenings now she comes downstairs to curl up in her cat bed while I administer her fluids and check out her “redesigned” cheek. Then she settles in and sleeps while I watch TV or write. At night she competes with Mewdy Blue and Lady Butterfly to get under the blankets in my arms but eventually gets out and sleeps in her bed beside my pillow or on top of me.

I am extremely thankful that God has granted me this extra time with her. It seems to me that her biggest problem was that darn abscess on her cheek. When it finally died and fell off we started her on injectable antibiotics (in place of the oral ones she’d been taking) and the remaining tissue started to heal. She quickly perked up and started acting more like herself. She’s eating, drinking and jumping up on the counter again. Today she even played with a toy!

Tomorrow, Rainbow will see Dr. Tammy again but I anticipate a clean bill of health. Of course, I know that her kidneys are still failing but she is thriving and seems happy. Her strength has returned and she’s bathing herself again. And I am one happy camper.

Thanks for all the support you’ve given me and my loved ones.

Rainbow Update

 (Sorry, these pictures are all pre-digital so I had to scan them in, yuck!)

Rainbow is now in end-stage renal failure. She was not doing very well over the weekend, grew weaker and weaker, wobbly and spacey. Each time she ate she would have this one spot on her cheek covered with gravy and/or food that she couldn’t clean off herself so I had to help.

Lady Butterfly & Rainbow

This morning I watched her eat and realized that she had trouble manipulating the food in her mouth. Upon closer examination I found that the same spot that had been getting dirty at mealtimes now had an open wound on it. When I cleaned it off I realized that her entire cheek was swollen.

One of her veterinarians discovered that it was an abcess as I’d suspected but it had opened up on the inside of her mouth. Poor baby! It must be so sore. Even worse than that, when he took her temperature he found some black, tarry feces on the thermometer. Even though I’d been watching her closely I hadn’t seen any change in her bowel movements. I felt so bad.

Twygal & Hobby

So, now Rainbow is on antibiotics, antacids, fluids and an appetite stimulant. I’m trying to spend as much time with her as I can but her instinct right now is to hide.

Ozma as a baby

I was thinking back to Rainbow’s relatives and had to “Hmh” at the irony. Rainbow’s mom, Hobby died from complications from a pheochromocytoma, a really strange tumor. Her brother, Little Boy, and her aunt, Effie, both died of complications from diabetes. Mouse, her other aunt suffered from mesothelioma. Her cousin, Aztec died from cholangiohepatitis and her sister, Ozma died from multiple myeloma. I was beginning to think my cats could only get unusual diseases but now Rainbow has CRF, a growing epidemic in older cats.

Aztec & Mouse

It will be difficult to attend my club’s local cat show this weekend and celebrate Valentine’s Day all the time knowing what Rainbow is going through. I know I won’t be too terribly outgoing this time around. But at least I’ll be around people who know what I’m going through.

Please keep Rainbow in your thoughts this week.

Twygal recovering

While I continue to worry about Rainbow and her battle with kidney disease, I am happy to report that Twygal is doing much better. She battled IBD for a long time while we tried to figure out what was causing her terrible diarrhea but this week she seems to be telling me that she feels wonderful.

She was born in '94, just 6 months after Rainbow so she is my next most senior girl. She is one crazy tortie too. She can be sweet and loving one minute and down-right vicious the next but she's almost never threatened me. I say almost because one time she did bite me but that was because she'd seen a very large Siberian Husky for the first time while she was outside in a strange place. Her first instinct was "flight" but since I held her tightly she had to bite me to get away. Of course, that meant a regimen of antibiotics for me but it didn't ruin our relationship.

Twygal's most frequent affectation is redirected aggression. I was a real meany at times early on because it was so funny to see her reaction. I would pet her roughly at the base of her tail and point her in the direction of one of the other cats. When she'd had enough she would explode AT the other cat like a missile chasing him or her far away. Yes, she's also one of those who can't be petted for long without reacting.

These last couple of years, however, she has been rather solemn, not playing or even wanting attention. She sometimes slept in my bed with me but mostly just slept all day and night only getting up to eat and perform other "essential" duties. These last couple of weeks have been completely different.

Twygal is now so much like her younger self it is almost scary. She has been coming to me for attention, wanting to be petted and hugged. She talks to me, like a Siamese would, just like she did in earlier times. And she plays! She just seems so happy - and so am I. Now if we could just get Rainbow back to her former self.

Rainbow over the Cyclones

Rainbow in 2009

I'm having conflicting emotions tonight. On the one hand, my Iowa State Cyclones took down the #5 rated Kansas J-Hawks! Yay! Go 'Clones!

On the other hand, Rainbow isn't doing so well. She's withdrawn and a little wobbly, drinking constantly and not eating very well. She's avoiding me whenever she's downstairs, probably because that's where she gets stuck with that darn needle for her fluids, but at least she still cuddles with me in bed. I just get the feeling that maybe the toxins are building up in her body causing her to be a little spacey and shaky.

I'm going to call her vet tomorrow to make sure I'm doing all I can but in the meantime please send her your prayers.