Emergencies and Change

I hadn’t yet fallen nor had I injured my hip in an accident. Even so, there I was with a broken hip and falling slowly to my office floor. Just like that, the world changed for my cats. Strangers were coming into the house leaving food and water and I was gone for three days. When I returned, I brought with me strange equipment and stranger smells.

Looking back, I see now that Two-y was suffering from kidney disease for some time before my hospitalization. His appetite had decreased, I thought he was being finicky, so I kept trying different foods. He was drinking a lot of water and urinating a lot. And he’d lost a little weight. But it wasn’t until I got back from the hospital that it hit me – he was sick. It made me sick. Had he even eaten while I was gone? Now you know, he’s gone, and I feel so guilty and lost.

As for the other cats, they tend to hide upstairs when anyone else visits. Except for Meadow. She’s tough and the downstairs is her territory. Four cats are supposed to be on special diets for various conditions but that didn’t, and couldn’t, happen for three days.

Finally, I returned and had to deal with the aftermath of my surgery and get things back to normal for the cats. I cleared away any leftover food and the feeders and started them back to their regular schedule within an hour. Not everyone showed up right away but eventually I had accounted for all of them. The rest of the cats were, thankfully, doing okay and adjusted to my equipment (crutches).

Now, I just have to get used to an absence so glaring. I have many very good, caring friends helping me through my days. I haven’t even had time to grieve, but it will come. In time. For now, I still see Two-y sleeping in his cubby hole or on the dog bed. Or I expect him to be sitting in the middle of the living room and me making my special hand gesture to let him know everything is okay. He was very insecure but when I made that gesture he relaxed and started purring. I miss that purr. That very loud, loving purr. I miss my feral boy.

We're joining The Cat On My Head for Sunday Selfies today. Please visit the following sites and join in the jump.

Two-y

My very first picture of Two-y

I'm taking this midweek moment to announce that Two-y is gone. He became ill while I was in the hospital and really went down hill these last couple of days. His kidneys failed and he was fighting a severe infection.

I can only hang onto the knowledge that at least his last year was spent indoors, not outside fighting the elements, other cats and other creatures. He was probably 17 years old but we'll never know for sure.

I'm going to miss you buddy. Hope you are running free now. Whatever is left of my heart has broken into tiny little pieces. I love you Two-y.

My last photo of Two-y

July - A Hard Month

July is a hard month. After waiting months for summer to take hold we are suddenly bombarded with 90 degree temps and high humidity. Some days it is hard just to breath. But then we are rewarded with weeks like the one forecasted next week: clear skies and highs in the 70s!

Thai, my mom's Siamese, and Gabbie

Life is like that. Just last week I was struck by the irony of July 8^th. It is a day for celebrating Gabbie’s entrance into my life in 1977 just one day after the day that was supposed to be the end of the world (7-7-77). She was, at most, 3 weeks old and a spitfire of feline fur. She quickly became my best friend, closer to me than any human could ever be.

Effie

But July 8, 2008 brought an end to my physical life with Effie after 16 years. I’d spent nearly 12 years trying to convince her that domestication was way better than her feral life. When she finally agreed to give it a try we had only 4 years left together for a close friendship. I was so lucky that she had already given me her best with her babies, Mewdy Blue and his siblings.

 

Pixel in 1998

Today is the anniversary of the day in 2000 when Pixel’s pancreatic cancer invaded her brain and I had to let her go. Pixel came into my life as an adult in the feral colony but didn’t stay feral long. I’d trapped her for spaying but afterward, when I opened the carrier to change her bedding and add food and water she purred and rubbed against my hand. She’d taken almost no time at all to choose domestication. I’ve a much longer story about her life but for now just know that she was a special girl.

Only picture of all 6 of Tiggy's babies

In 1980 the clinic I worked for took in the stray animals from local animal control and many of them ended up on my family’s acreage. We all thought that Tiggy was already spayed because we’d felt what seemed to be a spay scar on her abdomen. Only a few weeks after she “appeared” on the acreage I realized how wrong we’d been. On July 12 she delivered 6 unusual kittens. Lando Calrissian and Yoda developed normally to robust longhaired cats. Pirate, Figaro and Zeit Geist, however, suffered from muscular dystrophy. (Princess disappeared at only 2 weeks of age).

Tiggy's babies all grown-up

My sister adopted Pirate and Figaro died early from Panleukopenia (he was vaccinated). Yoda had been the runt of the litter but with my TLC he became the largest of them all. Unfortunately Yoda disappeared only a week before I moved into to my first apartment. Lando and Zeit both experienced mast cell tumors and yet they both lived to old age. Zeit even had a urethrostomy at one point but lived to 16. Lando was my longest-lived cat, to date, finally succumbing to his mast cell tumors at age 19.

Pirate

Figaro

Zeit Geist & Yoda

Lando Calrissian

Then there’s July 13^th.  What else can I say except that Sunday will be the one-year anniversary of the day Mewdy Blue left me. How does one cope with such a traumatic, dramatic loss? I remember a line from the Lord of the Ring movies spoken by Frodo, “Some hurts go too deep.”

Effie and baby Mewdy Blue

Baby Mewdy Blue

Two Adoptable Pets

Fundraising T-shirts available at the shelter

I had a vision the other day. First I saw Mewdy Blue from the backside as he walked away from me into a doorway. Next, the door was closed and all I could see of him were his paws reaching out from under the door. I’m not sure what to think of this but I’ve chosen to believe that he isn’t going to talk to me until I get going with things I’ve been avoiding. So I’ve come back to my blogs today. My return is going to be to help some Story County Animal Shelter pets find homes.

First I’d like you to meet a handsome fella who has a special need. I didn’t find a name on his cage so I decided to call him Maximum because he is a fair-sized cat with a heart full of energy. Though he has longhair his fur is easily maintained. He has already been through two adopted homes because the adopters didn’t do their research before taking him in. In the first home he didn’t get along with the resident cats so he returned to the shelter. In the second home he didn’t like the family dog,

When I approached him through the bars of his cage he acted upset –aggressive but not mean. I could tell that he’d gotten a whiff of the other cats and dogs on my hands. After I wiped my hands with an alcohol solution I found that he was very receptive to my approach.

Maximum has been living in a cage too long! He’s got a lot of pent up energy that needs to be released before his true personality can shine through. Let’s find him a home as an only pet, with no children either. I think someone is going to find a truly wonderful boy behind those golden eyes.

Just to be fair I also took a photo of a very sweet Yellow Lab/Golden Retriever-type dog. He is a barker in the shelter setting but when I stopped to take pictures of him he was quiet and just begged for my attention. Anyone who has ever had a Lab or Retriever knows how special these breeds are. They are smart, loyal and happy-go-lucky puppies throughout life. I’m sorry that I didn’t collect any information on the dogs today but how can you pass on a face like this:

You can meet these two wonderful pets at the Story County Animal Shelter but remember that the holidays will affect their hours. Call ahead before visiting.

The shelter is located at:         975 W Lincoln Highway
Nevada, IA 50201
Ph: (515) 382-3338

Their hours are:                       M-F 11 am to 4 pm

                                                Closed on holidays and weekends

You can see more of the pets awaiting adoption at the shelter website and updates on their Facebook page.

As Butterflies Go

The calls of cats passed were too strong for my sweet Lady Butterfly to ignore. She joined them this morning floating where butterflies and Bluebirds fly over the Rainbow. I can only pray that Mewdy Blue’s dream message the other night is true: she is happy and healthy tonight. If only I could be so happy.

Lady Butterfly

Almost 20 years ago I lost Gabrielle’s Galaxy, my best friend Gabbie. Two years later my precious baby boy Misha Baryshnikat joined her. The reason I bring this up now is because the other day I found myself calling their names as I looked for Lady Butterfly. I’m not sure if it is a case of a “maternal” mixing of names or if, just perhaps, those two are now hanging around Lady as she struggles with the late stages of kidney failure.

Misha Baryshnikat

I sometimes feel as if my life is in a downward spiral. Year after year I lose this cat then that cat and each loss is worse than the previous one. True, I’ve had good things happen too but it’s hard to see those things when loved ones are dying.

Lady in 2009 mid-rollover

Lady has been a tough little girl but she’s really having a hard time of it this week. I started treating her with Sucralfate to battle the high levels of phosphorus in her system, Lactated Ringers solution supplemented with potassium because her potassium is low and Azodyl to eat up all those toxins her kidneys can’t deal with. She’s been eating the Iams kidney diet as long as I mix it with water so she can lap it up but now she’s not so happy with that. This week I am giving her anything she will eat and that usually changes every day. (this morning she seemed to be happy with Purina’s kidney diet, tonight she's eating Iams Recovery Formula, what next?)

2011

I’m just afraid that she may not make it to the end of this year. That would mean three cats this year. Then only Sky Voice is left to represent my first feral colony even though he was born in my house. But I’m trying not to look at it that way. No, for now Lady is fighting and I am helping.

It’s just that feeling I got when I called out Gabbie and Misha’s names. Are they really here? Are they trying to call to Lady? I don’t want her to go with them, not yet.

UPDATE:  It doesn't look like Lady is going to make her 19th birthday. I've been carrying her around the house today and tonight she is restless. Right now she's hiding from me. Not a good sign for cat who's usually so cuddly. This is not going to be a good night.

Demetrius, part 2

Well, now that I’ve got that malware cleared up and life has settled down for the winter I’ll take you back to my story about little Demetrius, aka Demon………..

Demon supervising

So I learned all about cat shows. First I needed to make something to decorate Demon’s cage. Since I’d never been to a cat show before I didn’t really know what that entailed except that the show flyer gave me the dimensions of the cage. I decided to use poster board and set out to design some “demonic” illustrations.

Now you have to understand that the Iowa State Fair is held in August, nearly the hottest part of the summer – and the most humid. The cat show was upstairs in one of the older buildings. No air conditioning, no fans. The benching cages (the cages where the cats spend most of their time) were in one room and the judging occurred in another room. This might have worked just find except for the fact that this new attraction drew in what seemed like every body in the whole fairgrounds!

We sat beside our cages crammed as close to the tables as we could so the crowds of spectators could walk by and see our cats. I was so nervous and the cats were hot. The afternoon receptionist sat next to me with her own cat and we waited – and waited.

I can’t remember how many cats were entered but it was a lot. They only had to see two judges each day but it took forever. Even worse we couldn’t get in to watch the judging because of the crowd. When our numbers were called we squeezed through with our cats, placed them in the judging cages and then left.

Later, if we were lucky, we’d hear our cat’s number again and hope we’d won a prize. When I heard Demon’s number again someone told me it was for a tie-breaker so when they told me to go back in to retrieve him I figured the other cat had won. Imagine my surprise when, as I picked up my little Demetrius, the judge handed me a trophy! Screamin’ Demon had become the first cat to take first place at the very first Iowa State Fair Cat Show!

See how bad I was with that camera?

We went on to attend many other shows over the years but his winnings were never as wonderful as that first time. And of course I was hooked and became a nearly lifelong cat show competitor.

When I started college my visits to the clinic slowed down. I began working at a different clinic and began showing my own cats so I didn’t see Demon as much. But when I did stop in my boy would immediately jump right back up on my shoulders and my heart would melt.

Eventually Demon’s kidneys began to fail. Doctor gave him the finest treatments but he finally saw that quality of life had dwindled. Visits to the clinic are no longer as cheerful as they used to be. But I am thankful for all that Demon gave me. He is one of the reasons I know how to appreciate the cats I now have in my life. He also taught me that the heart does not forget. Demetrius lives in my heart for as long as it beats.

September-July

Here it is September and I’m still stuck in July. I want to thank all of you who responded so kindly to my post after losing my boy, Mewdy Blue. I am still devastated by his absence. I see a long, lonely road ahead.

Some things around the house have not changed but others have changed in odd ways. I just read a post by fellow blogger Deb Barnes ( http://zeezoey.com/blog/ ) where she mentioned that her house still looks like a hospital after the loss of her precious cat, Jazz. Well, if you look around mine you’ll see those same signs.

I confiscated the dog’s kennel for Mewdy Blue while he was on I.V. fluids to make sure the I.V. didn’t come out. Today, I still can’t open that kennel for Blizzard. He is puzzled when he looks around for solitude. I can just hear him asking, why can’t I get in? I did take out the litter pan and water bowl but I haven’t washed the blanket he last slept on.

It wasn’t until just last week that Mewdy Blue’s last two pills made their way into the trash. I had set them out that Saturday morning as I tried to fool myself into thinking he would be able to take them. The metoclopramide bottle still sits beside the microwave ready to give a dose. His empty sodium chloride bag still hangs on a hook beside my desk. I just can’t throw it away yet.

Misha Baryshnikat

His own carrier, the one he ate in and the one I used to transport him wherever we went, still sits in its place atop two others, the door closed and the decorative pad still inside. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use it for anyone else. After Misha Baryshnikat left for the Rainbow Bridge one cold, snowy winter evening, I didn’t use his carrier for many years.

Then there are the intangible or invisible things that remain. For instance, every night the very last thing I did before going to bed was to give him his Denamarin and a kiss. The box sat next to the sink in my bathroom so I wouldn’t forget. I donated those remaining doses to my vet so some other patient might benefit from them yet every night I look to that spot as if to take out another dose. That leads to a new tear each and every night.

I used to weigh all the cats once a week and send that data to my vet for their records but I haven’t been able to do that…………..since that day. I can’t handle making any list without his name on it. I can’t even take down the note taped to my kitchen cabinet listing the meds I give out twice a day. If I make a new one it wouldn’t have his name on it.

 

However, now every night Glitter has taken over my lap even though it has been way too hot for such close contact. Mewdy Blue used to be there. I think she’s happy about it. She fought to be there before but my special boy refused to back down.

Sky Voice

Sky Voice seems to be happy he’s the only blue kitty left. He demands more attention all the time even lying in Mewdy Blue’s spot on the bed at times. It is hard though to see his blue fur popping up onto the bed or slipping into my office. For just an instant (shorter than a second) my heart leaps in joy that is quickly cut off. It’s not that I don’t love Sky but he isn’t Mewdy Blue.

Who me?

Mulberry Spot has stepped up to demand more of my attention. He meows at me all the time unless I pet him, I guess I am reinforcing that behavior. Whenever he meows I pet him over and over. I also got the ingenious idea to start taking him outside on a leash in hopes of creating a more calm show cat. Now he wants out more and mostly after dark! Come October we’ll see if my plan works.

I guess the cat most affected by Mewdy Blue’s absence is Gooseberry. He used to follow Mewdy Blue around as if studying his moves. If Mewdy Blue got into something, Goose was right with him, much to the elder cat’s chagrin. When Mewdy Blue came to me for a treat or for attention, Goose always worked his way between us rubbing Mewdy Blue on the face for effect. Now Gooseberry is noticeably absent during most times. After his meals he goes right upstairs and stays there until the next meal.

When I get a toy out he’ll come down to play but he hasn’t been very energetic about it. He used to be extremely crazy when playing. But I’m not going to worry about that just yet. We’ve had a horrendous heat wave of late that has kept me pretty inactive as well. Now that things have cooled down a bit we’ll see if he improves.

 

Lady Butterfly in a playful moment

And finally I think 18-year old Lady Butterfly is enjoying her extra attention now. It used to be when she would jump on my lap Mewdy Blue would jump up and lie on top of her. She’d grumble and run off in a huff. When she slipped under the blanket at bedtime, he’d do the same and slowly nudge his way between us. He was kind of a passive aggressive type with her. While we haven’t been using the blankets lately she has been sleeping next to me for a time.

So some things have changed and some stay the same. My life will never be the same without my buddy beside me. But it was a wonderful life while he was here.

[Thanks to a recent post on my friend Bernadette’s blog (http://thecreativecat.net/ ) I found a nearby pet funeral home that is having services this Sunday, Sept. 8, for Pet Remembrance Day. I plan to attend. If you live anywhere in central Iowa see www.lovingrest.com for the details. If not, look around your area for similar events.]

Mewdy Blue

I am so heartbroken tonight and find it extremely difficult to report that Mewdy Blue is gone. I'm sure everyone here will understand if I can't respond to comments for a bit. Thanks for all of your support.

The Final "Question"

I was staid, going through the motions, handling business and I thought I was going to be just fine. The plan was to pick up the supplies, pay my bill and then ask for them and leave. I thought I was doing fine…….until she handed me his ashes with that sympathetic expression. I felt the tears well in my eyes and I headed for the door. By the time I was sitting in my car I was full-out crying.

Question died on February 26^th. The snow was just beginning when I carried him out to the car and started toward Dr. Tammy’s clinic normally a half hour drive. That snow was coming down hard, though and the roads were progressively worse as I headed north. I believe it took me 45 minutes but I was in such a bad way that I don’t really know.

Unfortunately, Dr. Tammy was already in surgery and couldn’t leave but both of her associates were able to help me through my decision. My sweet Cutey-Q was dying before my eyes and we couldn’t do anything for him except end his suffering. He trusted me, he always had and all I could do was help him to die. I felt so helpless. He was so brave.

Q during one of his few cat show appearances

Out of all my cats during these last several years Q was the only one who ever stayed visible when someone visited. He had to be in the middle of things, to know everything that ever went on in his home. He tried to help the furnace guy check out the furnace and instructed the plumber on how to fix the plugged drain. When someone came to the door, he was right there to greet them while the other cats scrambled over each other to escape upstairs.

The vacuum cleaner didn’t bother him, nor did the dog. Out of all of my cats, Q was the only one who consistently came running when I called his name. He was an indoor only cat and never once acted like he was interested in going outside, at least not until that last week of his life. Suddenly, when the weather turned cold one day he tried to follow the dog outside. I decided to go ahead and see where he would go figuring he would simply turn around and come back in when he realized how cold it was. Instead he kept walking, right down the sidewalk toward the gate!

Question and his brother Sky Voice

I brought him back inside then and for the next few days I had to pick him up and hold him whenever I let the dog out. The night before our snowy journey he stayed close by me but didn’t want to be held. I stayed up with him most of the night worried that he wasn’t acting well at all. He’d been ill but I really hoped he would pull through.

Then, early in the morning he jumped up on my bed, though I don’t know how. He never moved again. I had to carry him downstairs because he couldn’t stand anymore. That’s when I called the clinic and told them I was coming.

Ironically just a short time ago I thought I was losing my precious Mewdy Blue. But he recovered, miraculously, and Q got sick. Part of my grieving included the feeling that fate was paying me back for praying for Mewdy Blue’s recovery by taking Cutey-Q. Another part of me feels guilty for ever taking my cats anywhere possibly exposing them to who knows what. Perhaps I should have kept them in a bubble where they’d never be exposed to the toxins and pathogens present everywhere in our world. But what kind of life would that be?

The mind and heart plays these games with our psyche shooting our emotions out of the realm of reality as we come to grips with a loss such as this. Someone must be blamed. We’re sure it is all our fault, or maybe it’s someone else’s fault or he’s not really gone, or maybe, just maybe I can bring him back (I’ve actually had a dream where we’ve euthanized one of my cats accidentally and I was able to counteract the euthanasia solution to bring him back).

Question

So today I look at the cats before me and realize that I no longer have any blue and white cats. All but two of Effie’s family are now gone. Besides Lady Butterfly (18), Effie’s sons, Mewdy Blue and Sky Voice (16), are the only ties left to the first colony of feral cats I ever worked with. The only ties left to so many spirits. Perhaps it is appropriate that they are both blue.

Change 2012

I don’t like change. I don’t suppose anyone does. With the changing of the years I tend to think of things gone by, and loved ones now gone.

Bluebird 1997-2011

“…gone away is the Bluebird……” from one of my favorite holiday songs, Winter Wonderland now only brings tears instead of a love for the snow covered landscape. I know Bluebird left me in 2011 but it seems like only yesterday sometimes. I still can’t believe she’s gone. I still remember her as that tiny little girl with the big round eyes, my Prima Donna.

Rainbow 1994-2012

In all of 2012 I only saw one Rainbow and she is now gone as well. She was a miracle from God. I prayed that she would appear and there she was. A perfectly built and designed feline form painted with the greatest artistic flare. Her green eyes shone as emerald charms to dress up her already fancy coat. She had a unique personality, my Gorgeous Clown.

Twygal 1994-2012

And Twygal, my little Chubs; feisty and loveable all in one little body. She was the twilight with a galaxy of stars in her coat. Her white socks and stripped nose brought a sparkle to her tortie fur. I always believed she was a gift from my beloved Gabrielle to help me cope with other losses. Now she’s gone my sweet little Tickle.

They’ve each taken with them a piece of my heart that will never be replaced. I can only dream that they are waiting with others I’ve lost at the Bridge where we all will be reunited one day.

Mewdy Blue

Now I watch as more of my babies decline. Mewdy Blue (15 1/2), who doesn't like to eat anymore can barely maintain his 7 lbs. while Lady Butterfly (17 1/2) hovers around 5 lbs. Mewdy Blue has become inactive and distant coming downstairs only at mealtimes and hasn't slept with me in over a week. Lady Butterfly thankfully is still quite active and attentive but I worry nonetheless. In all I have 5 cats on medications of some sort. At least 7 cats are over the age of 10 (Sparks and Tourmalina may be just 10 but I'm only guessing).

Lady Butterfly (Question & Fargo behind her)

 So what does 2013 hold for my family? I pray that I might have just one year with no losses to memorialize. No, I envision a happy 2013 with health and happiness for us all. What do you see for your new year? I'd love to hear from you.

Grief So Deep, So Searing

Bluebird (Hobby on top)

There’s a point in the mourning process where no amount of comfort or consoling will help. In fact, it may hurt no matter the intent. Perhaps this is the stage of disbelief, I don’t know. But I am at that point right now. Have been for quite some time.

I don’t want words of comfort, no hugs, no sympathy. I only want my loved ones back. I heard a song the other night that included a phrase, “How do I turn your memory / Back into you instead?” (Symphony in 16 Bars, Kenny White) It really cut to my heart. That’s exactly how I feel.

At this point in my life, though I feel yet young, a fledgling in this thing called life, I have experienced too many losses. They seem to be piling up and each one only gathers all those before into a larger yarn ball of grief.

Just last month I lost not only Rainbow and Twygal but also found out that Fred, another of my colony cats, had died back in October. Of course all the pain from those losses entwined so closely with those of earlier times. The ties that bind. Twygal brought forth memories of Gabbie, Gabrielle’s Galaxy, her namesake, lost in ’94 before Twygal was even born. Thoughts of Mouse, her supposed mother, bring a sad smile to my face. And Aztec, my precious princess, wanders into my thoughts, a very special girl also born in ’94 and lost too soon.

Twygal, Aztec, Rainbow

Rainbow heralds her sister Ozma and her half brother Little Boy, her mother Hobby and the sisters I didn’t keep, Harvest and Jacqueline. Fred, who was once Toe to me, reminds me of Tic and Tac who died only babies, too young to fight. Bluebird, the first of her litter to leave brings back the anguish of losing her mother to diabetes as well as worries for the future of her brothers.

Effie & kittens, Fuzzball, Question, Bluebird

All of these thoughts crowd my senses and stop me from time to time, freeze my thought processes and keep me from creating. Every day I’m brought right back to a time when they were still here. Feeding times mean that Rainbow is no longer on top of the freezer demanding her food, Bluebird’s spot on the shelf is now taken by Glitter and the cat tree is empty, no Twygal to call for my attention.

Rainbow

Twygal

Pill time means fewer pills to set out, no fluids for Rainbow to fight. Shopping for cat food is no longer the Great American Search for the new foods Rainbow or Bluebird might try. Now I can buy specific foods for the remaining cats and they will eat them. At bedtime Rainbow and Bluebird no longer fight for a spot under the blankets with me and Twygal’s purr no longer rests upon my side as I try to sleep.

My spirit has been injured, my heart broken into so many pieces I’ll never puzzle it back together again. And every pieces carries a soul indelibly fixed in my circle of muses. Someday Rainbow will be our guide back together again.

Twygal - Oct 1, 1994 to April 27, 2012

Fred (Toe) - Fall 1995 to Oct 2011

Rainbow - April 7, 1994 to April 15, 2012